On the outside I’m not an emotional person but on the inside, that’s another story. I don’t share my feelings with people and that includes my husband and kids. But when those feelings get bottled up it’s like shaking a bottle of champagne, the lid blows open and leaves everyone around in shock. I seem to think, no I don’t want to talk about this or share because I can handle it. I do it over and over until one day the bottle is full.
I sat and reflected about how this has served me and it hasn’t, but it’s hard to break old habits. Then I started to go in depth and wonder do people lost in depression feel more than people like me who just store feelings until they come out like an explosive detonation? I’m not so sure.
I keep people at an arms length but when I do let them in I love hard and I will do anything for friends or family. When some one passes, a tragic event happens or havoc ensues in my life I shut down. I get stuck on stupid until whatever it is is fixed, or I can come to grips with it. I don’t really think I love any less than the person who mourns the passing of a relative or friend for years. I think I continue to live. There have been times I didn’t think I could go on but after a bit of reflection and meditation with God, I’ve been able to overcome this pit of feelings.
I think people that become depressed and can’t move on are more into themselves, but not in bad way or critical way of thinking. I think they feel they can’t move on or live well with out guilt, lack of this persons presence etc.
So in my “How” Journey this week, I’m working to overcome dwelling. I’m engaged in find what makes me tick and reverse the bad and reinforce the good. It’s all about stopping the hamster wheel in my mind and coming to a whole new way of thinking.