My “How Journey” has been coming along well. I felt broken for such a long time. Like I couldn’t please anyone and that nothing went right. In reality the only ones I needed to please were my husband and children. The old adage you can’t please all of the people all of the time was more like a challenge to me than a reality.
So with further introspection into myself I’ve also discovered what I call the “Worker Bee”. I had the feeling that I had to hit the floor running in the morning and keep going until my feet hit the sheets for the night. No wonder I couldn’t sleep. So much was running through my head and I felt myself to be minimal and unimportant, much like a worker bee.
Here’s the thing, and I know we’re not the only family dealing with this, but we work to live. Many people live to work but our family has to work on a consistent basis or there is nothing. We can’t miss a house payment. The only debt we have is our mortgage so it should be easy right? Not so much, one of my husbands full paychecks goes towards the mortgage per month and the rest of the money and what I bring in must pay insurances, medical bills (we have a lot of these), utilities, groceries and car repairs. There is nothing more in our home that we can cut budget wise.
This has created the worker bee in me. On the outside people and family think I’m in the house all day and won’t leave. It’s not a fear. It’s if I take the car out of the garage it’s spending money. I’m home all day right? Doing nothing? Nope, I’m blogging, writing, on conference calls, cleaning, cooking, laundry and more. I hardly have a chance to breathe but it’s always easy for others to judge and so I became the worker bee. The worker bee that wanted everyone to just leave them alone so they could get their work done and tend the family.
Lately, I’ve been sitting and thinking what did I used to do that made me happy. I’ve thought and thought, and thought some more and couldn’t think of anything. It’s not that I’m unhappy, I’m just MEH… I just kinda sorta just exist. So I’ve started trying to live in the moment. To stop and think about things, and one of those things is that I wanted to decorate with decor that was mine. That I bought, wasn’t given to me and was ME. It’s not expensive stuff it’s just decor that I’m not displaying to please someone else. It’s displayed to please ME. I’ve also started to work on crafting items again for fun.
I am not a worker bee. Neither are you, nor is any other human. We are humans that are supposed to love one another, build each other up, co-exist, live in the moment and be happy! I refuse to be a worker bee any longer.